Pull up a chair, bring out the popcorn, and join Coach Lisa and Coach Bridget for a hilarious and candid discussion on knowing what you want before dating. They dig into defining emotional intelligence and why the first kiss can make or break the potential of a relationship.
Then listen in on their first date encounter stories and past regrets about rushing into exclusivity.
Hosts:
Lisa
Bridget
Send us your Lifetime Movie Special Stories
momismyemergencycontact@gmail.com
Check out the NEW YouTube Channel
Pull up a chair, bring out the popcorn, and join Coach Lisa and Coach Bridget for a hilarious and candid discussion on knowing what you want before dating. They dig into defining emotional intelligence and why the first kiss can make or break the potential of a relationship.
Then listen in on their first date encounter stories and past regrets about rushing into exclusivity.
Hosts:
Lisa
Bridget
Send us your Lifetime Movie Special Stories
momismyemergencycontact@gmail.com
Check out the NEW YouTube Channel
when we talk about what we want in a partner. I'm going to ask you first so forget about. Forget about the word alpha, masculine, feminine, pull, put that, all of that aside. Like so, when you think about what kind of a man do you want? Like, what is it that you want? What does that look like?
Speaker 2:The hot seat Emotional intelligence. That is number one on my list, emotional intelligence explain emotional intelligence?
Speaker 1:because we posted that. Remember we posted that on our tiktok and some guy went crazy over that freaking word and said that's bullshit and blah, blah, blah. What is emotional intelligence? Can you explain that to everybody?
Speaker 2:yes, it goes. It goes hand in hand with, like, emotional maturity. And you know, are you self aware? Are you mindful, are you able to regulate your own emotions? Are you able to be vulnerable? You know, I think all of these things go kind of. They all mesh together into what is emotional intelligence and emotional IQ. Are you also aware of you know other people and how they might at one point lack a moment of self-awareness. You know how do you approach them, do you communicate with you? Know sentences starting like well, I feel a certain way that's showing that you have emotional intelligence. Not only that you have good communication skills, but it shows a deeper level of just where you're at in your level of life and your stage of life. And that's emotional IQ. That, for me, it states I mean it. It shows that the person's done a lot of work on themselves. They've probably gone to therapy.
Speaker 2:And I always ask that question Do you go to therapy? When was the last time you cried? And not all men want to answer that question, right Of like, when was the last time that they cried? But like I I honestly don't care of. Like, what is your five year goal? Like, do you have billions? I don't care. Like I don't care. Do you have a job? Okay, check. Do you not live in your car? Check, check. Okay, we're good.
Speaker 1:I want you to continue, but let's just stop with the emotional intelligence, Okay. So, like I wanted to ask you, does he exist? I can't even like I'm thinking, do I even know anybody?
Speaker 2:I mean, I can think of one person that I know.
Speaker 1:I mean I know, Does anybody else?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I mean to some degree with me, but then there's, like always, that little side comment of like they think that they want to like psychoanalyze you, then they're gonna. They're gonna like psychoanalyze you and you know for you and I who have like studied, you know mental health and all of these things I don't know about you, but I have to catch myself. So I'm not psychoanalyzing somebody.
Speaker 1:I actually you know what I lied there is, there was one man that did have emotional intelligence. In fact, he worked at it. Um, actually there's two men. God, now I'm going to get slack, uh, flack for this.
Speaker 1:Um one of them is my friend and he even said to me. He said to me he's a really good friend of mine, I've known him for years and he said that he's never had emotional intelligence. He had to learn how to have emergency intelligence, emotional intelligence. So he said he had a work at it. He goes, lisa, he goes. You think I was born like this? He goes I had a work at it. He goes, I read books about it and you know now I'm, I was never like this and and he's right. So, and then the one guy I did date, he was read about it, he worked at it Like he really wanted to work at his ability to be open with his emotions. And I would say, of all the men I've been with, he was the only one that had emotional intelligence. I can't even. You know it's sad because I was joking and saying are they out there? And since the one person that I was involved with, I've not seen another.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have some guys that are friends, but they're just friends and they are emotionally intelligent and they're continuing to work on it, I think, and you know, but they're just friends and they are emotionally intelligent and they're continuing to work on it, I think, and you know they're one is divorced and the other one just recognized that, um, he's got like an anxious attachment style and he's working through it. He's got a lot of anxiety and he's working through it. Yeah, they're both my age but they're both single, but we're just friends. We're just friends.
Speaker 1:Okay so all right Now that the more you're talking, the more I'm thinking. Okay, I know I have a lot of male friends who do have emotional intelligence they're not all single. But then you also said something about the crying part, so I got a lot of flack. Uh, in my other tiktok page, when I talked about men showing their emotions, there were men that came on and attacked me and said oh, what do you want? A guy that cries all the time. You want to cry baby? That's what this is.
Speaker 2:I mean no, but it's. It's okay to feel your feelings. Feel your feelings, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean I don't need you to cry at the drop of a hat Like I don't want. I mean I have been in presence, in the presence of men who did that, who cried for a lot of things, and I was just like same. And think about it, Bridget. And someone might say, oh Lisa, that's not right. Would a man want that? A girl crying all the time, you don't like me.
Speaker 1:You're not going to like it either Either way. A man or a woman, you're crying all the time. No one's going to like that shit.
Speaker 2:Just be average Okay.
Speaker 1:Lisa, I mean, you know what I'm saying. Like that's overly emotional it is.
Speaker 2:It is overly emotional, like we don't need that level. But, um, yeah, I think you know being example, like if somebody close to you, you lose someone close to you and you're not showing any emotion and you just like have this stoic front, I would be like, okay, or like maybe not even somebody, but let's say your dog, right, like a lot of people have pets and they love their pets. I have pets, you have pets and you show no emotion. I would be like, oh, yeah, hmm, red flag, yeah, that is a red flag to me. That's that's like you were and you know.
Speaker 2:Again, I want to say this I don't want to. I don't want to fault men for this completely, but it's something that they were conditioned for from childhood. Right, and don't cry, men, don't cry. Boys don't cry. Well, they do right.
Speaker 2:I'm the mom of two sons and I tell them it's okay to cry, it's okay to let your feelings out, it's okay to feel your feelings, but I'm probably one of few people in their world that tells them these things versus don't cry, don't cry Tough boys, don't cry. Toughen up, be tougher, you know. So I think that's largely what we're seeing now with men. You know between like in our age group of the. They've grown up this way and they don't know how to feel safe, maybe to show those emotions or to show those feelings and, um, I find myself kind of being telling them hey, I'm that safe space for you, like you know, you can be safe with me and and I mean it wholeheartedly, but I have to be cautious and maintain my boundaries of like. I'm not a killer, it is not my job. I am not a rehab center for broken people now, and that's all all right, that's all right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so there's this podcast called the warrior and the wolf podcast. Okay, and I'm not going to lie. So every every um week or so, I get emails, uh, from like this podcast connection on how to connect with other other podcasters. And I saw this and I was like, oh what?
Speaker 1:is this alpha shit. What's this guy? Shit happen. I'm like reading it, I'm like I said, oh, I'm gonna reach out to them, I want them on my podcast, like I'm already like, cause I thought it was gonna be that typical, and you see them all over the place nowadays the mail, whatever, whatever podcast I can't remember the name of it, anyways. So I reach out to them, right, and I I reach out to them. But then I actually listened to a couple of their episodes and I was like listened to a couple of their episodes and I was like, oh, wait a second, that's not how they are. They're, wow, they're very emotionally intelligent, they're talking about their shit and they're being very, extremely, extremely vulnerable.
Speaker 1:So he, one of the guys talked about, because of the way men are taught not to cry, that they take that emotion and internalize it and it becomes anger, so that it's not that's how they show the emotion. So instead of the crying and the being upset, it's more of the anger. That's because they're suppressing that emotion. And when he said that, I was like, oh shit, he is. That's absolutely what's happening. Right, that they, you're not. I can't imagine. I can't cry, I can't show emotion. That would be weak and you're feeling frustrated. And then what does it turn into Anger and rage.
Speaker 2:Everything just clicked for me right now. It's just like light bulb, really. Yeah, it's it. Wow, I've, cause I've. I've dated men that are not. You know, they're not. I wouldn't say that they're all toxic right, they're not all toxic. But instead of having, you know, an emotional response that I thought would be appropriate, it was anger. And I said to some of them like you've got an anger issue, you're angry, right and again my background I'm coming from a place of an abusive relationship, right and again my background I'm coming from a place of an abusive relationship, you know, way back when, all of that. And so I've got that boundary and I'm kind of like super self-protecting here. Well, no, I understand it now they were upset some other reason and that's I mean, that's hard to navigate. And again, like, what are men taught? Talking about their emotions and feelings is a weakness. So we've got a lot of men that don't go to therapy.
Speaker 1:Yeah yeah. And just to, I don't know if you know this about me I used to do the. So when I was doing therapy I was when I was a therapist a former therapist I was doing a lot, a lot of mandated anger management groups with men, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God yeah.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh, and I actually enjoyed it. It was, I was up for the challenge because, you know, he, I think you know, when they see me and they think, oh, this girl, this, this little girl, they think that they're going to, like, try to run me over when, um, I'm pretty tough, I'm, I was really tough with these guys, um, and some of them were, so the majority of it was mandated. Talking about your feelings, talking about emotions any of them either with you know, you got to give them the respect of the boundaries as well. And it's group, it's group, it's not one-on-one. And I will say, when you're in the group, you know all these men have their armors on, they're not going to shed their damn armors.
Speaker 1:Now, when I did it one-on-one and I did have counseling with men one-on-one, floodgates were open. Wow, yeah, floodgates were open, armor was off and they said things to me that I didn't even want to know. I didn't know. And then I'll never forget, one of them went. Oh God, I've been holding that for so long, I feel so good. And here was I, here was me I was not ready for this.
Speaker 1:Oh my, what happened I'm not ready for this I felt terrible because he was so relieved and and he was like, oh, that he was holding this secret for years. And I was just like, oh, my God, what? And?
Speaker 2:so.
Speaker 1:And I remember like my face, and he even said are you OK? And I'm like, oh shit, because you're not supposed to show like you are impacted by what they just said. They shared so much. But as a group it was harder to do the anger management because they're not going to show their feelings in front of each other. So, yeah, I think you're right. When we talk about emotional intelligence, I'm going to try to bring it back here. Emotional intelligence, yes, I want emotional intelligence. I want a man who is okay with here's the thing, though, bridget it's not just like they're okay with their feelings, cause I feel that if they're okay with their emotions, they're going to be okay with your emotions.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, 1000%. They have to feel comfortable themselves first, because we are a mirror, you know we, that's what we believe and what we are of ourselves, and they're attracting that same energy and we're also attracting that energy. We're not repelling energy, we're attracting energy and it's wow. They have to be in a place and in a mindset where they can understand, have empathy, not a fake one, I'm talking about the genuine authentic. You know not this facade that they put on, the genuine authentic. You know not this facade that they put on. And if they're not in that place of you know, just all out mindfulness, I don't think they'd be able to.
Speaker 1:No, no, they're not ready for this jelly, so with that, okay. So emotion, emotional intelligence, we both agreed. Emotionally emotional intelligence.
Speaker 2:Okay, go on. Sorry, move on. Um, uh, I have to be physically attracted to the guy. If I'm not physically attracted to him because I've tried, I'm like you know, I am kind of like you're cute, like, oh, I can do that, it doesn't work. It doesn't work, no.
Speaker 1:Really, I'm like, you're repulsive. Well, let me ask you a question. So okay, what if you were not? Like? If okay, I always say if I saw them down the street I would never take a second look. But you got to know them and you would. You get sarge attracted to like their personality. Damn, frigid, savage. I'm not judging it's okay.
Speaker 2:it's okay like maybe this is part of my problem, um, but I do have. I do have a guy friend who you know, the more that we hang out and things like that, like I feel just really safe with him. And yeah, I'm not like it's not the guy that I would be like on the street. I'm like, oh, my God, can I like have your number? Can we like go get coffee later? No, not the type, but the more that we like hang out and talk and things, I'm like Hmm, hmm, yeah, but but overall I am like drawn in the other direction. I also have a disorganized attachment style.
Speaker 1:Then there's that oh my God, really you Okay.
Speaker 2:Wow, uh-huh yeah, like I like what I like and I've tried, I've tried to get out like what I like and I've tried, I've tried to get out of what I like, I've tried to, I've tried to date outside of what I like and um no, it doesn't work.
Speaker 1:Doesn't work okay, all right, so I'm gonna let me stop you there. Um so for me, um well being well, going for someone who's not attractive didn't work for me either. So I guess for me it's more than just the physical. I can't believe I'm saying this. That's true, listen, it's true. Now, it's true, it's true. But I will say, you know, it's more than just a physical. But if they have the personality and the physical, then bingo.
Speaker 1:But I have tried to get to know somebody and there's something about their personality that attracts me. Now if, like I said, if I was walking down the street and I saw them walking towards me, I was like hell, no, hell, no. And if someone said to me, oh, he wants you, I'd be like hell, like I would probably do that. But because I went in knowing their personality, I got you know, I became attracted to, to who they were. Now, obviously, if they were toxic, that that shit didn't last very long, because I'm like you're not, that, you're not that good looking, and now your personality is ugly too. So there you go. But I will say, the one individual, he I wouldn't say he was the most. He's not a pretty boy, but he was very masculine, extremely masculine tall bodybuilder, long hair. Oh.
Speaker 2:Oh, that very I mean very rough looking almost rough looking.
Speaker 1:Now, if I saw him down the street I probably been like you know, but he was such, this, he was just such. He exude a confident, strong man physically, and yet he had the emotional intelligence.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I know Right. Well, it was a long distance relationship. It didn't work.
Speaker 1:That's why. So I've had those two, yeah, so, but, yeah, girl man, I, I, yeah, I mean I've been, I have been physically attracted to men who I would not be fit. Well, I shouldn't say physically, I've been attracted to men that I normally would not be physical because of their personalities. So, but it is what it is. Everyone to each his own, okay. Physical attraction.
Speaker 2:Physical attraction. It's big, you know. If you get beyond that and you like, actually are getting to a deeper level, let's say you like the person you know, like they've got these things, they've got, you know, a sense of emotional intelligence. They're vulnerable, you're attracted to them. If you get beyond that and they're a terrible kisser, I can't do it. I can't do it because for me that means the rest is bad.
Speaker 1:Okay, let me think about this I can't say.
Speaker 2:a terrible kisser has been good in bed.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to think of all the terrible kissers that I've been with. You know what? I think you're right. I think you're right about that.
Speaker 2:They're bad, they need direction.
Speaker 1:They don't know what they're doing.
Speaker 2:I think maybe it's also like they lack confidence, perhaps in the bedroom, but oh yeah, the sex is not good.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we're talking about being a good kisser. Being a good kisser definitely is my number one. That's something that's very important, like when people are like, oh, I don't kiss on the first day. I was like, fuck that, we kiss on the first day. I don't want to waste my time here.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly Exactly.
Speaker 1:Let's not waste time, because if you're a bad kisser, it's just not, Bridget. Let's talk a little bit more about that. When you say bad kisser, what does that look like?
Speaker 2:for you. Oh God, I will show, show you. So there was this one person. I swear. Like the way he kissed me, it was like his. What the actual is going on right now. So yeah, that's what, exactly what was happening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, wow, okay. So the bad kissers that I had are the ones that, like they're starting. They're trying to search for a treasure chest behind my tonsils, and it's there's nothing back there, bro, be there, stop choking um, there's that, and then?
Speaker 2:there's these. Oh god, yeah, it's like open your mouth, open that damn mouth. What, what's in there? Come on, god damn it, blake. Do they still even have those? What am I kissing? A wall? What is this? No, it's like a salamander, oh yes.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, it's like you know, I think porn just ruined a lot for these guys. Um, okay, good kisser, yes, that's definitely a plus. Being physically attracted. Emotional intelligence okay. What else is like the whole?
Speaker 2:they have to be. They have to be like. They have to be intelligent, just overall intelligent. They have to be able to hold an intellectual conversation with me. If they cannot, they won't lose me quickly.
Speaker 1:I look at board okay, let me ask you this. So bridget, hot guy, very physically attracted, but dumber than a bag of bricks, what do you do?
Speaker 2:Mark one in the relationship. I don't know. I mean, if all the other things were good, you'd go for a test drive.
Speaker 1:Hooked on phonics. I'll never forget. There was this one guy I went on a date with and this was, like my God, years after my divorce, and he was hot. I mean hot.
Speaker 1:And he I mean like model hot, like I was just like, okay, I mean I was getting insecure Cause I was like he wants me, is this for real? Cause he was that hot. And I said to him when he sat and we were having you know, we're talking stuff I said so what do you think you were having? You know we're talking stuff. I said so what do you think? You know? You feel you're feeling this. And he goes oh, yeah, I said you're attracted to me. He goes yeah, I'm like wow, I just couldn't believe it because he was that hot. But then I realized what the problem was oh god, oh god he was not smart, he wasn't.
Speaker 1:It was like, oh God and I'm thinking you know some of the words he was using and I was just like, is this? Like he was very immature you know, this is a man who's in his 30s and he was talking like the kids, like the 20-year-olds, and like I couldn't do it, and I just said, oh man, so good to look at, but that's, that's it. There's nothing there. And it's funny because can't you just Okay, I don't know about you, but if you see someone hot and you not feeling it, like you're, just like I ain't feeling it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh yeah, they can be arrogant, like they can be super hot. But if they're like arrogant, immediate ick, as the kids say, yeah Right, it's just that I'm not attracted to that energy.
Speaker 1:It's the energy that they let off. And you know, looks are not everything. That's what I guess I'm trying to say. The looks are not everything as much as people think it is, If your personality sucks ass or you're dumber than a bag of bricks.
Speaker 1:No, no no, no, it's a no for me, dog, okay, so yeah, all right. So that's pretty much. You're thinking that it's the emotional intelligence. You know physical attractiveness, good kisser and intelligent. To be honest with you, bridget, you're saying a lot. What other probably what other women want in a man as well. So what's the problem?
Speaker 2:I don't think you have all of it in one man.
Speaker 1:It's like John, can you guys just come together? John, you got the looks, okay, now John, go behind Mike, cause he's the one that has the emotional intelligence, and Jeff.
Speaker 2:Like I was so close, I've been so close, right, and then it just yeah, it's like the yeah, there's those, there's those, but but you learn a lot. You learn a lot from dating and my therapist once told me dating is more about learning about yourself than anything else. That huh Cause I was really hesitant about dating for a while and when I got back out there I was like she's right, I am learning so much more about myself and what it is that I don't want somebody and I mean I had a lot of fun. She's like well, that's supposed to happen, like you're supposed to have fun dating. It's like I don't think I want a relationship. She's like that's okay too. Right, that's okay. Yeah, I'm not trying to be one of those petty Bettys, whatever, but I don't know. I think it's just I want something to kind of build organically.
Speaker 1:Wow, okay, so that word build organically. So it's funny. You said that because I think you and I talked about it, or maybe I talked about it with other people, because I've been talking about it. A lot is that I don't think I'm going to do online dating again.
Speaker 2:Like I'm not.
Speaker 1:The apps I'm off of them all yeah.
Speaker 1:I will not do it, and I think it was you that I said that you don't have a reference Like these are strangers, these are people literally off the streets. You have no idea who the fuck they are. They're presenting in a way that you think it's who they are and you're bamboozled. So that's number one. I am not going on the dating apps like ever again, done Organic is the way to be. But then I thought about this project because my first, my first narcissist was organically. It's someone that I used to know and I never knew that they were a narcissist. So you know, it's not just the dating apps where there's toxicity. Toxicity is everywhere.
Speaker 2:It's, it's around us, it's it's every day. You're meeting somebody that's toxic. You were around toxic people every single day and that's why your own self-awareness is so important, because if you don't have self-awareness and you lack boundaries, you will be eaten alive by the toxicity in others. And you know, I don't think that there's ever any magic recipe or you know, key to how is it that you cannot attract toxic men or female ever again? Like you're going to, you're going to attract people Because, just naturally, who you are, you're a great catch.
Speaker 2:Who wouldn't want us? Right? Like we're a great catch. I think you're a great catch, you know so. But that's the thing. We're going to attract them. It's just okay. Can we pick up on the behaviors? Are we noticing the behaviors? And, girl, I'll tell you, the more, the more that you're out there and like amongst people and socializing, you're like, ooh, I don't like that, I don't like that, I don't like that. Oh, you know what that's. Look at that they're having fun. Like that's really cool. You just watch and I've become a big observer of just human behavior.
Speaker 1:I take myself out on dates all the time by myself you said, the last time we did a podcast episode was that you talked about the three-month rule and we didn't really get into that.
Speaker 2:What's the three-month rule? The three-month rule is no intimacy no kissing or kiss that's what they say no, kissing nothing. I can't do that, I don't even think. No, wow. Yeah, but that's cool and I'm like huh, but apparently it helps to weed out people's intentions and weed out the non-authentic individuals.
Speaker 1:Hmm, I don't know if I could do the three month rule Um.
Speaker 2:I don't know. 30 days, three dates, five dates, I don't know Right. But um, I think the the point behind it, the intentionality is to just slow down, is to just slow down. To slow down, to not rush into anything and take your time to get to know somebody. Because obviously, even if you're dating somebody, you can be dating somebody for 90 days. Let's say you're, you know, you've been intimate with that person during the 90 day period, but after the three months or so, you're going to start to see them for who they really are. And that's when you got to really pay attention. Don't move in with somebody after three months, okay, or before the three months, like don't do that, don't do that, that's not a good idea.
Speaker 2:Apparently, it's working for my toxic ex-boyfriends but nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live.
Speaker 1:House of horrors, anyways, that's what I call it Wow, okay. So for me, I don't think I could do the three months, the three months, but you're, but you're right, okay, you're right, I like that way. I like what you said about to slow it down. In fact, this other person that I interviewed will be putting on the podcast.
Speaker 1:She said that you should not go exclusive so quickly, and I'm going to say that's probably my biggest regret is that you know you are still dating other people and as much as these guys they see you and they're like, well, you know I mean, based on my experience, it's more like, well, are you dating other people? And I'm like, well, of course, that's what we're doing here. And then they were like, well, are you dating other people? And I'm like, well, of course, that's what we're doing here. And then they were like well, we, you know, then they want to be exclusive very quickly, and that I feel that what that does is you get then invested very quickly and you're not seeing them for who they really are. So, like I always say to myself, when I think about my toxic relationships, I say to myself, if I have been dating other men at the time, that they showed their true colors. I would have been like fuck you, goodbye, like goodbye.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly there's, and I think that's important. Um, I've been, I've been sucked into a talking stage of a situation ship another one.
Speaker 2:And like, okay, I've been for a while, okay, so, but there was this individual. He didn't want to give us a title, didn't want to give us a title, but treated me like his girlfriend, like was calling me, like you know, treated me like I was his girlfriend, but didn't want to give us a title. And it's like why do we have to give it a title when we're just like we know what it is? I'm like'm like um, um, but do we what? What is it? What is it then? Right, can you please help me understand?
Speaker 2:And then I'm like well, I think you're trying to keep your options open, right? Well, you know, I think you're always going to be special for me. I've been here, like during these rough parts of my life and blah, blah, blah, and I think you'll always be a special friend. So I want your opinion on this. But this is what he said to me I think you'll always be a special friend. You've helped me through these times, you know, and if I get into a relationship or whatever, you're always gonna like, I'm always gonna think that you're special, I'm always gonna get this, yes.
Speaker 2:He said no, yes, no, yes. What Bye.