Playing The Right Game On Dating Apps As A Single Mom With Dr. Saudia Ep.5
Apr 04, 2024
Lisa
SINGLE MOMMA'S!! Are you tired of swiping left in the dark when it comes to online dating? Fear not, for Dr. Saudia, an attachment-focused therapy whizz, lights the way to a more insightful approach in our latest episode. With her wealth of knowledge, she deciphers the code of dating apps, offering sage advice for single moms and singles alike. Forget about aimless digital wandering; this episode is your compass to healthier connections and a strategic path through the generational divide of modern love.
More on Dr. Saudia: Saudia L. Twine, also known affectionately as Dr. Saudia, is a licensed Professional Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist. She has been recognized as an expert contributor in Forbes and Men’s Health and authored "Get Naked: Learning to Love Again without Fear." Specializing in attachment-focused couples and relationship therapy, her mission is to guide individuals toward happier, more successful, and fulfilling relationships. Dr. Twine believes that with proper guidance, every person, couple, and family can navigate their own path to personal and relational success. She is the founder of New Beginnings Fresh Start Counseling Group and Eros Meets Agape, a coaching and educational technology company that houses Attachment University – a school for matters of the heart.
Dr. Saudia has undergone specialized training in Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, and PREPARE/ENRICH premarital counseling. Beyond her clinical practice, she has served as a Field Instructor for The University of Michigan Graduate School of Social Work, Liberty University, and presently holds the position of Associate Professor at Spring Arbor University.
With experience across various mental health settings, her passion lies in couples counseling and relationship enhancement. She conducts workshops, trainings, and speaking engagements and often collaborates with a range of organizations, churches, sororities, and adolescent groups, focusing on attachment theory, nurturing healthy emotional expression. Through her diverse programs, Dr. Saudia leverages Attachment-Based learning to help individuals embrace the best in life and love.
Delivering comprehensive support to her clients through various services, her initiatives include the No Dessert Before Dinner Tween and Teen group for character development in young teenagers, the Get Naked Coaching group for healing from relational heartbreak or childhood trauma, and the DATENITE program designed for couples to reignite emotional connection and intimacy by igniting the flame in their date nights ultimately transforming their relationship. You can reach Dr Saudia at www.attachment university.com
SINGLE MOMMA'S!! Are you tired of swiping left in the dark when it comes to online dating? Fear not, for Dr. Saudia, an attachment-focused therapy whizz, lights the way to a more insightful approach in our latest episode. With her wealth of knowledge, she deciphers the code of dating apps, offering sage advice for single moms and singles alike. Forget about aimless digital wandering; this episode is your compass to healthier connections and a strategic path through the generational divide of modern love.
More on Dr. Saudia: Saudia L. Twine, also known affectionately as Dr. Saudia, is a licensed Professional Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist. She has been recognized as an expert contributor in Forbes and Men’s Health and authored "Get Naked: Learning to Love Again without Fear." Specializing in attachment-focused couples and relationship therapy, her mission is to guide individuals toward happier, more successful, and fulfilling relationships. Dr. Twine believes that with proper guidance, every person, couple, and family can navigate their own path to personal and relational success. She is the founder of New Beginnings Fresh Start Counseling Group and Eros Meets Agape, a coaching and educational technology company that houses Attachment University – a school for matters of the heart.
Dr. Saudia has undergone specialized training in Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, and PREPARE/ENRICH premarital counseling. Beyond her clinical practice, she has served as a Field Instructor for The University of Michigan Graduate School of Social Work, Liberty University, and presently holds the position of Associate Professor at Spring Arbor University.
With experience across various mental health settings, her passion lies in couples counseling and relationship enhancement. She conducts workshops, trainings, and speaking engagements and often collaborates with a range of organizations, churches, sororities, and adolescent groups, focusing on attachment theory, nurturing healthy emotional expression. Through her diverse programs, Dr. Saudia leverages Attachment-Based learning to help individuals embrace the best in life and love.
Delivering comprehensive support to her clients through various services, her initiatives include the No Dessert Before Dinner Tween and Teen group for character development in young teenagers, the Get Naked Coaching group for healing from relational heartbreak or childhood trauma, and the DATENITE program designed for couples to reignite emotional connection and intimacy by igniting the flame in their date nights ultimately transforming their relationship. You can reach Dr Saudia at www.attachment university.com
Welcome back to Mom is my Emergency Contact podcast. Coach Bridget and I, as you know, are building this community of single moms to level the fuck up, okay, so you all know that. So today's guest is really to get into the nitty gritty on dating apps. And what the hell are we doing wrong, ladies? What are we doing wrong? So we have brought on Dr Saudia. So Dr Saudia is a licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist that specializes in attachment-focused couples therapy. She is recognized in Forbes and Men's Health. She authored Get Naked Learning to Love Again Without Fear.
Speaker 1:
Ooh, I got to read that Dr Saudia's mission is guiding individuals towards successful relationships. She founded New Beginnings, fresh Start Counseling Groups, arrows Meets Agape and Attachment University School for Matters of the Heart and Attachment University School for Matters of the Heart. Trained in emotion-focused couples therapy and the Gottman Method, she conducts workshops and coaching programs focusing on attachment theory and emotional expression. Additional initiatives includes character development for teens, healing from trauma and programs for couples, emotional connection and intimacy. Ladies, your mind is about to be blown. Here we have Dr Saudia dropping some major, major gems. Okay, well, today we're going to welcome Dr Saudia. You are literally the GOAT when it comes to relationship and dating advice. I am so happy to have you on here, so welcome.
Speaker 2:
Thank you, I'm glad to finally be here. I follow you too. It's been a long time. You're the one who actually got me on social media, wow, you know what?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, we kind of talked about that. I remember that.
Speaker 2:
That was a long time ago.
Speaker 1:
So just introduce yourself, so people know who you are and what is it that you do.
Speaker 2:
Okay. So basically I am a licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist term coach, just because you have a little bit more leeway in that world. So I help single women, as well as couples, in order to have a healthy and better relationship. In a nutshell, that's what I do.
Speaker 1:
Okay, and how did you get into that type of work?
Speaker 2:
To be completely transparent and honest. Years ago I was in a job. It was really cush. It paid me well, but I felt like, if this was my future, it is a wasted life For me. I'm a Christian, so I prayed about it. The Lord told me go back to school, become a marriage and family therapist. I was like they don't even have stuff like that. I got to stop talking to myself. Sure enough, I Googled it. It was there. Then the rest is history. I went to school and that's what I did. I got a master's in marriage and family therapy and then a doctorate in professional counseling.
Speaker 1:
Wow, okay, you got the call. That's how it works, right? Yeah, okay. So let's get to it, okay, okay.
Speaker 2:
Let's dig in.
Speaker 1:
First of all, you guys need to follow this woman on what we're going to get into all her links it is. I watch her. I just told her that I literally like write down what she's saying because she drops truth bombs. Okay, so let's start with the infamous dating apps. Like what are your thoughts on dating apps and do you even think that there's an alternative that you know for those people who don't want to use them? Because, like for me, I'm going to be quite honest, like I ain't never going to go on them again. I ain't never going to have it Okay.
Speaker 1:
So what's the alternative? And I know there's a lot of other women who might be older that are like I don't want to do it either Like are there alternatives? But let's first think, let's first discuss. What are your thoughts on them?
Speaker 2:
So, all in all, I think dating apps really can be great. To me, it's like the Internet, right, the Internet can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you use it. So can dating apps. You just have to have some wisdom and actually put some work into it. So it's really a numbers game, and if you know how to play the game, then you know how to master the game. Now, it's not for everyone. I would honestly have to divide it up into groups. Your Gen Xers no, they're not going to be so happy there. It's going to be a difficult place to navigate. But you look at your two types of millennials, so the younger millennials, and then, of course, your Gen Zers. They don't think anything of it. That's the only world that they know, which is you know technology. So it's a breeze for them. So it's just about mastering the conversations when you're in those 80 naps.
Speaker 1:
Okay. So yeah, I'm not. I'm not ready for the game, just not ready for it. Um, what alternatives are there? Like you know, if you know, I always get. My girlfriends are like well. I don't know where I'm not going on a dating app. Where am I going to meet him? Like, where can we meet people?
Speaker 2:
So here's the thing there are eight billion people in this world. You're a guy and I don't believe in just you know. There's this one person. For me, that's a lot, because if that person died or end up in prison, then what you know, the whole system is thrown off, right. So there's a number of people for you, just based on your compatibility.
Speaker 2:
So the key is not really, in my opinion, going to places where men are, because I think when we do that, we set ourselves up for basically finding men that are only going to places where females are. Then they're not really interested in you, they're interested in the game, and that's what we want to get out of. So go to places where you know you enjoy activities. If you like cigars, go to cigar bars with your girls and have a good time. If you like traveling, do that, whatever it is that you enjoy. If it's pottery, it doesn't matter. Be there, because those people will congregate there because they're enjoying their pastimes.
Speaker 2:
Let's just be real. Everybody has stress in this world and they are waiting to go to some place where they are enjoying themselves, away from the stressors. And that's where you're going to see the real person, because they're in their natural element, and that's where you get outside of the game. I always say the game because they say that love is a game, and I believe that that's true. But again, if you know how to play the game, you know. They say that love is a game, and I believe that that's true. But again, if you know how to play the game, you can master it. So it's just about knowing where to go in order to play the game right.
Speaker 1:
Okay. So I'm going to be honest with you. I get triggered when I hear the game. Like I'm, like I don't want to play the game. Why can't we just like keep it real and keep it a hundred, Like why we got to play a damn game? So how do we do that, I mean, but then you say things, but then I'm going to be honest. Then you, I follow you and you, you say a couple of things about okay. So if you hear this, and then you and I'm like damn is right.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, at the end of the day, you have to look at how each gender was raised to communicate their emotions, or not? Most men, if you're looking at, let's see Gen Xers. They definitely grew up in environments where most men were not taught to communicate their feelings, so you're definitely going to play the game there. Millennials, you're half and half. They watch their parents go through bad divorces. They're like I'm not going through that. So they're playing the game to self-protect. Your Gen Zers, on the other hand, they're more self, they're more conscious, they're like you know, let's just be real, but they don't know how to date. So, regardless of which group you're in, you have to play this game, because no one sits us down to say okay, baby, let me teach you how to love and how that goes. You figure it out as you go along. So when you play the game, you're playing it based on the gender, in my opinion. So, therefore, men are trying to protect their emotions at all times. You rarely meet a man that are like let me tell you how I feel about you. You generally have to pry it out of them, right? And so if you're playing their game I know women don't always follow sports, but it's like football or basketball when two teams are playing against each other, whichever team is playing the opposing team's game, that team is going to lose. Because this is what I do every day, all day. Because that's what I do, I know the ins and outs of it. So now, when I invite you into my game, you don't know how to play it as well as I do, so therefore, you're not going to win. So whenever I try to communicate to people, you know, a lot of people are like no, there are other coaches out here telling us how to get married, and that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2:
In order to get there, you have to figure out what's going on. So I believe my job is to decode all the games and BS that really take place. So the game is literally about decoding what he is actually saying, because women we love through our ears and we hear things that are not being said, and he knows that why? Because he's playing his game. So you have to decode what is not being said, not necessarily what is being said. So the game is all about trying to figure out how do I get you to come on my side, which is being authentic, being transparent and being honest with me, whereas their side is more so, and it's no fault against them.
Speaker 2:
Most men are not raised to. Son, I want you to go find that wife tomorrow. No, that's not what we do. They're raised to, you know, play the field. So if you play the field, you're playing the game, which means in order to have many people you're playing the field with. That means you're dating multiple people, and most men know I can't tell a woman that I'm dating multiple people or seeing multiple women when, in all honesty, there's nothing wrong with it. It's the smartest thing to do. But we don't agree with it. So you just have to understand what they're trying to do.
Speaker 1:
So you just have to understand what they're trying to do. I love how you broke it down to the generations. That's the first time I've heard it in that way, because that does make a difference. You know, you're talking my. You know, Gen X, it's my generation. Like I sometimes can't relate to the millennials, they're on a whole nother level. I sometimes don't even like I'm, like uh'm, like, you know, but that makes such a difference, Like that's the first time I heard it in that way. And when you broke it down like that, as far as the game, it makes sense, you know, as far as the gender, even the generation they come from, like that is part of the game. Okay, so glad you mentioned that.
Speaker 1:
Let's talk about the mistakes that we women often make Well, me, often make when it comes to dating. Like what do you think is like one of the biggest mistakes that women make when it comes to dating?
Speaker 2:
Again, I'm a person that puts people in categories because most you know we're all different, so I am an attachment based specialist. So the way that I see love and relationships is from a person's attachment style. In essence, it's a nice way of saying it's the reason why and how you love the way that you do. So, whatever took place in your childhood, growing up, it taught you the correct way based on your household. It taught you the correct way, based on your household, how to say certain things when you are in conflict with someone or how to connect with someone. It is the reason why you love the way that you do as an adult. So, to answer that question, with regard to the mistakes, it's really based on the attachment style.
Speaker 2:
So people who are very closed off, they shut down, they get upset, they don't express their feelings, they don't know why you're having this conversation yet again. Those individuals the problem that they may make and that's only 30% of women, it's not that many but their problem is that they don't know how to open up emotionally. So they always will date men that are very romantic, very gregarious, they're very open and they like that. There's nothing wrong with it. They got the part of them that was missing. But they mess up because they don't know how to engage that and grow that type of relationship, because they don't know how to communicate their own heart. Well, the flip side of that are men that are mainly like that, and that's the majority of men in this world, that's 70%. That means that there is also 70% of women that are going to be very anxious when we identify anxious attachment. It's a nice way of saying I don't want you to go, I don't want you to leave me. And I'm sensing rejection or abandonment because of their childhood. It means they either had an absent parent peripheral, meaning they were there physically but not really there for them emotionally or absent altogether.
Speaker 2:
So when they have inconsistency as an adult, if I get someone who was saying, hey, I'm really into you, but they don't act like it, that kind of ennights an alarm within them. That then makes them do things to engage that person. That means they go from zero to 100 really quick because if I get real heightened and upset, that's going to cause the person that shuts down to react. So they don't like that. So problem is, they don't know how to come to their man. Basically, I say at the end of the day, you need to be a soft place to land. So the number one issue in that is knowing how to communicate to keep them engaged.
Speaker 2:
A man will tell you anything that you want to hear and know if you know how to approach him. So if you become a soft place to land, that he thinks that, no matter what happens, I can tell my girl this, that and the have you, and she won't wow out on me. He'll tell you anything. But you have to learn how to have that type of conversation, even when you're upset, and there's a certain way to do it. Biggest mistake we make is we need to talk. They hate that. That is like sad. Let me pack my bags and go.
Speaker 1:
Oh, that's so true. Okay, so this is why this is another reason why I love you and what you put out there and what you put out there, because, coming from someone who was a former therapist and learning about attachment styles, that is so important in this dating game and being aware of it. So I want to ask you this, because you said a couple of things and I'm sure the general audience is listening to this and being like attachment.
Speaker 1:
What you know what kind do I have, Right? So let's talk about those who maybe not know what their attachment style is, or maybe those who do know their attachment style, even though you may or may not know. How do you navigate into these waters where you want to? You know how do you navigate into these waters where, um, you want to. You know, like you just said, you you don't want to say certain things, you want to be open, but how do you know that, even though, whether or not you are aware of your attachment style, the person that is right in front of you is toxic?
Speaker 2:
Okay, so a toxic person is really someone who is not going to validate you. So there are ranges to that right. So the highest range would be someone who's abusive or narcissistic, Whereas the low end is someone who is just not allowing you to be valued, seen or heard. So if you're in a relationship where there's any type of toxicity, it means that I can't get any type of love, care, support or validation from you. You can't have a relationship where you as an individual can grow, because who are you going to talk to? And nor can you grow in this relationship, because you're either going to be unhappy, unsuccessful or unfulfilled.
Speaker 2:
So when it comes to toxicity, it's just a matter of do I feel like this person sees me? Do I feel like this person really hears me? And the key is they don't have to agree with everything you say. They don't have to like it. They just have to respect you. And if they respect and value you, I'll listen to you, even though I don't agree with it. We can be mad with one another, but I'm still going to care for you and respect you as an individual be mad with one another, but I'm still going to care for you and respect you as an individual.
Speaker 1:
That's so good, Okay, good, good stuff. Okay, let's go back to the game on dating. And you know, obviously, I mean I know back in the day when we just talked to each other on the phone, that doesn't happen anymore.
Speaker 1:
We go out these are just so simple, right? You know anymore. These are just so simple, right? The dating apps came to the field and things have changed. And what are you seeing? You kind of touched upon this, how the dating apps can be advantageous and then as far as maybe be more convenient. But I just want your take on it. What do you see as it being advantageous for a woman and what may be a disadvantage of dating apps for women?
Speaker 2:
Okay, advantageous, most definitely getting your numbers up. Most women I hate to say this, but this is how we're raised. We found one person we like and we cut off any possibility of every other person. It's like girl, he hasn't even told you that he liked you that much yet. So why are you cutting off all these other potentials?
Speaker 2:
But if I'm on a dating app, I can be on who knows how many dating apps talking to a number of people early on. When we're talking to someone, we're just getting to know them. Are you compatible with me? Do we have the same interests? Do we have the same values, morals and beliefs? I don't need to cut everyone off during this period because I need to see okay, if you pass this stage, well then, what's next after that? Are you willing to spend time with me, get to know me? Do you act upon these values, morals and beliefs that I see in a way that I appreciate? So the apps allow you to boost up your numbers, so to speak, so I can talk to so many different people, locally or across the world, so to speak, and that allows you to be able to one learn the difference in people and how they communicate and how they express themselves, understanding others as well as being able to communicate in a way that is conducive for you for a future relationship.
Speaker 2:
The disadvantage is knowing when someone is there for fun in games and when someone then is there for a future relationship. The disadvantage is knowing when someone is there for fun in games and when someone then is there for a real relationship. People who are there for a relationship, they move. They move through the stages because they're not trying. How many men do you know Going to sit up and text you all day long? They just not Anybody who's interested in you. Men are naturally not go-getters, isn't the right? They're pursuers. So they want to move to the next thing because when they see someone that they like, they're trying to get you off the market because they don't want anyone else to have you, and if they really like you, they want to spend as much time with you as possible, and I always say all the time so. So this is a caveat, this is going to be extra.
Speaker 2:
Every woman is in a rotation and she has to be okay with that. When you first meet somebody, he is not sitting at home doing nothing, talking to nobody. He is looking for something right. It doesn't mean he's in love, it doesn't mean he's in a relationship or married. It means he is looking at his options and you have now entered the scene. Because you have now entered the scene on Tuesday, on Wednesday, I don't go get rid of everybody else I was talking to, but you have to learn. As we communicate with one another and I move up the ranks, then that means other people are going to move out the rotation. So the disadvantage in essence is we get rid of people too soon but on top of that, we don't recognize when someone is there for games and when someone is there being serious, because we don't see the signs.
Speaker 1:
Okay, and I saw that post get out of rotation. That was good. Well, let me ask you this so how many people should you have in rotation? Because I'm going to be honest with you, the last time I was on the dating apps it was like, okay, where do I cut it off? Like, how many do I keep it on rotation? Okay, that's number one. How many people do I keep on rotation? And number two do I meet these people to keep them on the rotation, or how does that work?
Speaker 2:
So it's going to depend on the individual. So it's as if we went out to eat, some of us, if we had a group of women. Some of us are going to just have a salad. Some of us are going to say, who cares, I am throwing down tonight, right, it just depends on your appetite, okay. So when it comes to how many, you have to know you.
Speaker 2:
So for me, three is as far as I can go. I can go. I can't do anything more because I'm juggling life and work and that and people. I now have to have time because I'm not just here for fun and games, I'm trying to really get to know you. So for me, I can only do that with a maximum three, and for me that means immediately. One is automatically going to be out the door within a week or so because I'm able to decide for that. So you just have to know what's your limit If you don't have a lot going on.
Speaker 2:
So let's just say you're a Gen Z-er. Most you are right now is early career or in college. You have plenty of time to talk to people, so therefore you can have higher numbers. I would say if you're a Gen X or somewhere in between then, your numbers are going to be a lot lower, because you have so many other parts of your life to navigate and be present. For that you don't have that many, but you definitely must have more than one. If all you can handle is two, then do the two, but you definitely need to have a minimum of two, because your job is to figure out what is the best for me, and you can't do that.
Speaker 2:
Month of January, I have one person Okay, that didn't do that. Month of January, I have one person okay, that didn't work out. Month of February, I have one person okay, that didn't work out either. You're wasting too much time, but if in January, I have two to three people, one of those didn't work out, the odds are one will, and so you're talking to them.
Speaker 2:
You're seeing if you all are compatible, whereas some people just get on your nerves instantly, or you see, you know the way that they communicate. How you think is just not the same. Ok, no problem, no harm, no foul. We don't know each other. But when you start recognizing, wow, we have a lot of things in common. We move off the app and depend on the generation. If you're Gen Z, they're going to move on to FaceTime, dm and stuff like that no-transcript, where do you go? Who do you follow? What are your values? All that from your history, so it's very smart. It's just a matter of who has the time to do that. So it's all about really recognizing how many you can handle and then using that time appropriately to learn about the individual so you can learn how to well, not how, but who to get rid of and why.
Speaker 1:
Okay, does that answer that? Yeah, that did so. This is a selfish question. So the socials, is my social media, might be intimidating for some men and I I kind of think to myself should I share it, Like I mean, you're going to know everything about me.
Speaker 2:
One hundred percent Hands down. Yes, and here's why I say that and I learned this the hard way, being a woman of color with a doctorate degree. It intimidates a number of men. This is sad to say, but I'm going to go ahead and tell the truth. I told a couple of people, oh, I'm a teacher. And they're like, oh OK, what grade do you teach? I'm just like, oh well, that's not important. So I'm dumbing down that I teach at a university, right? And they're like well, what do you do? And I'm not telling them that I'm a marriage and family therapist, because that's kind of off-putting. So I would practice dumbing down what I do so that I would have a chance with them.
Speaker 2:
I had to get myself together because, at the end of the day, if that knocked out 8 billion people in this world, if that knocked out 7,999,999,000, no problem, because anyone who really is for you, they're going to value you. They don't want your light to dim down. They're going to brighten it up, like, look at what my girl does, look at what she is. He doesn't have to be the CEO or the entrepreneur. He could be the janitor of a company If he treats and values you right. That's the thing about us women. We just want somebody to treat us right. If he does that, allowing us to be seen and heard, we don't care what he does. So I say do not dumb it down, doesn't matter. Intimidation should not be a problem for us, that's a problem for that guy which lets us know that guy is not for us. So keep it moving. Just knock him on right on off the list. If he can't handle it, good riddance.
Speaker 1:
That's good. Okay, that's good, all right. So, going back to what you were saying, the rotation, and I think that a lot of women, maybe even I'm going to say women my age, we have problem with that whole rotation because we're just like you know how many do you know?
Speaker 1:
if I start talking to somebody and then I'm like I'm feeling a vibe and I, you know, maybe Paul I'm just saying Paul is the second guy and I'm like not really feeling Paul, but I'm feeling Joe and but I'm not really a hundred percent Joe, but Joe is like pushing it through, like he's trying to get me off. That's so funny that you said that he's trying to get me off the apps. He's like laying it thick but I'm not 100% sure. How many dates do you think it takes to really then be sure? Because they obviously know you're out dating other people. They know it, you don't even need to say it, they're already.
Speaker 1:
Like I've had a lot of men say to me you know how many men are you dating, and I would be like why does that matter? And that's none of your business. But you know, obviously we're all dating. You're dating, I'm dating. We want to make sure we're finding the right people. But how long do you then say because you mentioned, you know someone's going to want to take you off the apps how long do you think that would be before you get to that point where you're like you know what, I'm going to get off the apps and focus on this person.
Speaker 2:
If I'm just looking at it, from just focusing on one person and one person alone, then that means I'm saying I am now interested in exclusively dating you, so I'm going to exclusively date you. And that means I'm saying I am now interested in exclusively dating you, so I'm going to exclusively date you. And that means I have to get rid of my other stuff. You show me consistently who you are. So this may be old fashioned, but I think people show you a representative for a particular amount of time. So I always say let me see you in the next season. So this is what you look like during spring. How do you act when people don't have much clothes on during the summer? Or do you become a hermit during the winter? And that's not who I am. So I say wait until another season. Now there is no research, this is just me.
Speaker 2:
So I just believe that if I'm going to date you exclusively, you've already told me that that's what you want. But you've already shown me that your words line up with your actions and you're not just trying to win me over by buying me stuff or talk to me all day and night. You showing me that you really sincerely and genuinely care. That's the equivalent of if I'm on the phone with someone. You can tell when someone is no longer listening and you're like is somebody talking to you? You can just tell when they kind of zone out. You can do the same thing in person. You can tell when someone is really into you and when they're not. And when you know they're really into you, then that's when you can say, okay, I'm interested in exclusively dating this person. But I think he should be the one to mention it first.
Speaker 1:
Maybe I'll go back in the dating apps. Okay, god, that was good. That was so good. The consistency is so good. Yes, consistency, all right, god, all right, okay. So my next question, even though we again touched upon that, the generation. But you know Gen X and even baby boomers, like I did a presentation about finding love in this day and age and I had this older man. He had to be probably late 70s. He lost his wife like two years ago and he's healed. He's telling me he's healing, and then he's like how do I do this? I didn't expect myself to be in this position, that now, what's it does dating app thing, I don't get it. And he was so frustrated that I actually had to walk him through a dating app. So what about the Gen X and baby boomers and even beyond? And what do you suggest for those women who are looking to date or find the one? I mean, would you still say dating apps?
Speaker 2:
Oh, most definitely. And here's why Because they have a child, grandchild, grandniece, grandnephew who knows how to navigate. But in the same sense, a Gen Xer or a baby boomer may not be aware of all the perils that come along with, you know, social media and online. So have those people set up your file, you know, peruse through maybe once a week. I don't know how often they spend time with them, you know. It's enough that you know it can be consistent to walk through things so that they're able to say, no, this person may not be real, they may be trying to catfish you.
Speaker 2:
Again, it's all about getting your numbers up, but if you're not an app person because it doesn't have to be for everyone I am not an app person. I'm a Gen Xer. So I know I am not going to meet my future husband on an app. I'm totally okay with that. That means I know I'm going to meet him in person and that means I have to get my butt up and out somewhere. So if you're a Gen X or a baby boomer, you just have to get up and get out. Go right back to what I said earlier what do you like doing? Do that, and that's where you're going to meet people and you're going to find someone who has the same interest as you, because that's where you found them to begin with.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, okay, yeah, that's good, all right. So you talk a lot about how the right one, and again I follow you. You talk a lot about how the right one and I and again I follow you. You talk about make sure the right one makes you a priority. You always talk about that and then that just hits, makes me a priority, right, and we hear all the time, and yet, yet, yet even myself, women are still getting got, and we know this. I mean what do you? I know this, I know what, how not to get got, and yet I find myself getting got. Um, what do you find is the real issue? And why are we still not listening? What's going on?
Speaker 2:
We give in too quick. So again, ladies, if you listen, I hope you understand sports and football. So in the beginning, before you have any type of emotional connection or physical connection with a guy, you are in charge. He is doing whatever he can to get you. The more elusive you are and I'm not saying you're totally avoiding this man, but the more elusive you are, the more it is intriguing to him and he's coming after you. You are, the more it is intriguing to him and he's coming after you. So he's going to say whatever he can do, whatever he can do.
Speaker 2:
Most of us, because we love, through our ears, we hear that and it's like, oh, he really is into me. No, he's trying to get you, he's trying to win the game right now. Hold off, don't be so swayed by that. Right, we shouldn't be so easily impressed if someone buys us something or takes us out. If we do all of these things for ourselves first. If I love me first, take me out, buy me stuff, then when you come along, I'm not so easily impressed by it, because it's like I can do that myself.
Speaker 2:
What else can you do? Then? You're not so easily swayed by things that he may say or do. Therefore he has to try harder to win you, and when he has to try harder, that means if he stays in it with you, he's really into you. Nobody's just going to do it just because they're out here playing in the Hunger Games world. They're doing it because they're genuinely interested in you and wanting to get to know you. So if you hold off with our emotions and physically, then you're in charge as soon as your emotions go. Or you physically give into this man, and he knows that he's now in charge. As soon as your emotions go, or you physically give into this man, and he knows that he's now in control, the ball is in his hand and you're now chasing after him, and that's where we get got.
Speaker 1:
Damn, that's so good, damn it's good. It's so good and you know, I mean I'm talking to you and, like I said, I've been dying to speak to you because your videos are like little educational class classes. They're like little courses, you know, like you have a topic and and it's so, um, it's like stuff that we, I think, maybe we know, but then we we're not sure of. But you, you know, you provide us with these examples, but you're getting me like excited to go dating again.
Speaker 2:
My God, when you know the rules, it's fine Girl you're not kidding.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so do you want to share any of your courses and any upcoming workshops? Do you have anything that's coming up?
Speaker 2:
I do have a couple of things. So I know for those that could be in a relationship, sometimes we get bored with our relationship as far as our date stuff. So I have a date night subscription box. It's a fun way to have a curated date that someone else comes up with. But on top of having a curated date night experience, I help you to build emotional intimacy and closeness in your relationship, which is sometimes what's lacking after a certain period of time. So I have the date night box and I'll give you the information on where you can get information for that.
Speaker 2:
But then I also work with a lot of women who are really trying to navigate the dating world and love and overcome any type of let's just say traumas that they've had from emotional hurt from previous relationships. And I walk them through a course that I had and then through a course that I have and then a coaching program that I have that helps them to overcome that. And the coaching program is, in all honesty, it's kind of long, but I think it's worth it, because it took you a while to get here, so it's going to take you a minute to get out. So I have the Get Naked coaching program and then I also have, like I said, the date night coaching box and then I have like a little course that I do. All of that is available on my website at attachmentuniversitycom. Just click any one of the links for the interest in which kind of focuses on what you're going through, and it will lead you to that information.
Speaker 1:
Awesome. Okay, so you're on TikTok, you're on Instagram, is it all the same name?
Speaker 2:
All the same, everywhere you find me, it's Attachment University, so they can go to my website. They can see any videos. Of course, you can see that on any platform which is Instagram as well as TikTok, but think of Attachment University, my website, as like school for the heart Any type of information to help you to navigate love and relationships better. That's what my goal is, whether you're single and healing, or whether you're in a relationship and you want more emotional fulfillment.
Speaker 1:
Okay, and we'll put all the links on the show notes. I want to thank you so much Like the work you are doing you are doing such good things for women and men, if they, you know, if they're listening just good, good stuff on your posts and, like I said, they're like mini classes.
Speaker 2:
I often look.
Speaker 1:
I do a subject and I look I'm like, okay, what's she going to say about this? And it's just good stuff that you're doing. I'm so glad that you're out there educating us women and making us feel that we're worthy. You know, we're worthy of love.
Speaker 2:
Oh, thank you so much. Thank you, I really appreciate that.
Speaker 1:
I want to thank you, thank you, thank you so much for being on the show and again, thank you so much for sharing all the great answers and dropping the bombs and the mics. Just really great information.
Speaker 2:
No, thank you for having me. I'm glad to be here. I always love you. You're so energetic and so funny. I'm like this girl is hilarious. I love that.
Speaker 1:
That's good. Okay, so everybody, like I said, all the show, all the links will be on the show notes. Wait for the episode to drop on. Mom is my emergency contact and I can't wait for you to check it out. And thank you everyone, until next time. Bye.