Mom Is My Emergency Contact Podcast
🎙️ Mom Is My Emergency Contact Podcast
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Episodes explore topics like being a single-mom, motherhood, independence, identity, relationships, and emotional labor through honest conversations with women navigating life in different ways.
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Mom Is My Emergency Contact Podcast
Ep. 30 Could It Be ADHD? What Every Woman Needs To Know
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Your life isn’t messy because you’re “bad at adulting” it’s messy because you’re trying to run a neurotypical system with an ADHD brain while carrying the whole single-mom load. I sit down with Kate, an accredited career and ADHD coach and the founder of 8 Percent Coaching, to get real about what adult ADHD in women actually looks like behind the stereotypes, and why so many high-achieving women don’t get diagnosed until their 30s, 40s, or even menopause.
About Kate
Kate is an Accredited Career and ADHD Coach who helps ambitious professionals navigate the workplace with a neurodivergent brain. A busy mum of three, she knows firsthand the juggle of parenting and performing — and still managed a 56% salary jump through strategic repositioning. She's spoken at Accountex twice on neurodiversity and been featured in social media parenting campaigns, and she's on a mission to help people stop fighting their brains and start leveraging them.
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Welcome And Why ADHD Feels Brutal
SPEAKER_00Welcome back to Mom is My Merchency Contact, the podcast for women figuring out how the F to navigate life, dating, money, motherhood, and everything in between. And today we're talking about something that a lot of women deal with almost. Well, almost nobody talks about it, honestly. ADHD and trying to run a life that already feels impossible. Because let's be real, single moms are already the CEO, CFO, Uber driver, therapist, chef, and emotional support human for everyone else. And then throw ADHD into the mix. Suddenly you're trying to build goals, run a household, remember school forms, manage money, and maybe even build a new life after a relationship while your brain is like, hey, remember that random thing from 2007? Yeah, been there. So today I brought in a life coach who works with women that have ADHD because the usual productivity, productivity advice, the planners, the routines, the color-coded calendars sometimes just doesn't work when your brain is wired differently. We're going to talk about how single moms with ADHD can actually achieve their goals without burning themselves out trying to be perfect. Because maybe the problem isn't you. Maybe the system was never built for your brain. So today I have Kate. She is an accredited career and ADHD coach, and she's also the founder of 8% coaching. And she helps ambitious professionals navigate the workplace with a neurodivergent brain. A busy mom of three, she knows firsthand the juggle of parenting and performing and still managing a 56% salary jump through strategic repositioning. Kate, welcome.
SPEAKER_01Hey, thank you so much for having me on today. Really excited to be here.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I'm excited to have you here. And I'm going to tell you specifically why I reached out to you because I think that a lot of people, especially women and single moms, um are trying to achieve goals. And then you throw in this ADHD, which I think a lot of us have. And it's like, how do we do it? And you had something in your website that talks about how you're helping women achieve these goals.
ADHD Types And Late Diagnosis
SPEAKER_00So let's start with ADHD. And you're not the first one who's been on the podcast talking about ADHD, but let's just talk about it from your perspective. What does that look like?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so there's three types of ADHD, and I obviously won't go too in depth on each, but essentially what they are is you've got inattentive, you've got hyperactive or impulsive ADHD, and then you've got a combination of both. And what tends to happen is women tend to get diagnosed much later. You tend to think of ADHD as being like the naughty, hyperactive, typical boy, like a kid that just doesn't sit still. Like that's what generally your most professionals are looking at, and that's why it gets picked up a lot more in boys. With girls, it tends to be something that is masks, masked. So it's something that isn't seen quite as early. It tends to be something that if someone's achieving well, it doesn't get picked up in early childhood and therefore tends to get more picked up, sort of 30s, 40s. Certainly, a lot of women that I work with have had it picked up at like menopause stage where there suddenly is there's a hormone shift and it becomes more apparent. Um, so just sort of giving a brief overview into all three types. You the inattentives are your quiet ones generally. Um, you might find that like mind-racing kind of challenges, uh, daydreamers, people go like stay very shy, um, but it comes with a combination of things like potentially forgetting appointments, going, I put my keys down, but I can't find them. Where are they? Like, so it's that sort of inattentive, like not really seemingly focused stage. Um, the hyperactive element is more the one that you tend to recognise, like adults will recognise it in children, that sort of not able to sit still, talking quickly. Like, I think I analyzed my own speech, and it was like you talk very quickly, slow down. Um, but that like constant need for being stimulated, um, always looking for excitement. And then combination type is when you have both mixed in. So you might have some areas from one type and some areas from the other. And if you get diagnosed or think you're presenting with both, it just means that you're a combination of both of the ones that I've just described.
SPEAKER_00Um my God. I j I'm just like thinking about it. And first of all, I'm laughing because I'm like, maybe I have it because I've not been diagnosed, but I mean, I feel like that's me. And I love that you said, you know, when you said about the menopause and being diagnosed at such a later stage. And I think a lot of women are talking about that, um, especially with the hormone and feeling crazy at times and then just feeling scatterbrained, um, it just seems like a lot.
When Goals Derail Into Self-Doubt
SPEAKER_00So, what does it look like for a woman with ADHD and she's struggling, she's trying to achieve goals. What does that look like from your perspective? So if you were to look at a woman and you're like, yeah, she's she's got that and she's she's struggling, but I want everyone to hear what that looks like.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so it can be things like you go, oh, I'm gonna do this. Like you start off really strong, you're like, and I I am testament to this. My husband is always like, Oh, I'm the one that just has to jump in and finish, he does the middle, I take the glory at the end, sort of thing. Um, so you start off something, you've got the desire to do it, like the passion, you start off really well, and then it just drops off. Like maybe things don't necessarily always quite get finished. Um, or you get just start something, you're focused, you're like, yep, I'm gonna do this, and then something interrupts it, and then the whole plan falls apart. Um, you might find that you're on the other side where you go, actually, I just don't have that drive to move forward. Like, there's a lack of ambition, like to do things, and then you go, Oh, why am I not achieving things? Other people are achieving things, like, and you get this erosion of like self-worth based on the fact you're not achieving things. And I think generally, as women, we can be quite critical on ourselves and going, well, someone else is achieving this, but I'm not achieving this, and why am I not achieving this? And it's like, that's their life plan, that's not yours. Um, but generally I find like it it can be, and particularly when I think as a mum, it adds another lens because you're having to be on all the time, you're having to be organized, you suddenly get thrown into this life of project management where somebody throws in that, hey, it's dress up as a uh pickle day tomorrow, and you're like, hang on, I haven't got a pickle costume, and you're suddenly this like you put this additional pressure on yourself, and schools seem to think, and I'm generalizing here, that you have the ability to like, yeah, rustle up these costumes at last minute and remember that one child's doing this and the other one needs to wear yellow that day, and it's this sudden like pressure as well to be super organized. And I think parenthood certainly shines a different light as well because time blindness comes in. Um, so you might find you're late on the school run, you might find your child doesn't turn up with what you need, you forget things, it's like suddenly the school are ringing, where's your child's lunch? And it's it's that like sudden pressure when you're a neurodivergent parent as well to remember for other other children, other people, and it just adds another layer of challenge and complexity.
Neurodiversity And A World Not Built
SPEAKER_00My God, yeah. Again, I think I have it. Um, okay, neurodivergent. Can you explain more about what does that look like? I see that a lot. I see that on TikTok, social media, and a lot of people are talking about it. What exactly is that and what does it look like?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so neurodiversity is basically an umbrella term for when your brain doesn't function in a neurotypical way. So if you don't have a neurotypical brain, that covers so many things. That covers dyscalcular, dyscalcular dyslexia, it covers bipolar, it covers ADHD, being autistic. That's just some of the things that sit under a huge umbrella of going, actually, your brain does not work in a neurotypical way. So, in a typical way of how a brain should function, yours doesn't fit into that umbrella. And so obviously, not everything is going to have the same impact, but it's just an umbrella term for different, different to, and hate the word normal, but different to the normal brain. That's it's under a neurodiversity umbrella.
SPEAKER_00So I'm thinking about this as you're talking, and I wonder how you feel about this. So it's almost as if we live in a society that is one way, and yet there's nothing wrong with that whole rewiring, but it almost feels like it's they're setting it up, they're setting people for failure because they're not thinking this way, the one way that everybody is thinking, and you just think differently. Um, I almost want to like compare it to like a learning disability because I know that even at a young age, I learned differently. And I wasn't dumb, you know, I was smart. Um, but it was almost as if I had to, I had to have people that were open and teaching me differently than than the normal way. Um, so how do we or how do women like navigate through that? Like, how do you how do you like you your brain is wired a different way, you're you know, with the ADHD and everything else. So if we were gonna like sit down and be like, okay, like maybe I should take a step back here. So maybe if I was to come to you, Kate, and you're the coach, like what would that look like? So I'm coming to you, I'm a single mom, I'm all over the damn place, I'm lost, I'm frustrated, I'm starting to burn out. I come to you, I hire you to help me. What does that look like?
Coaching Starts With Core Values
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so first of all, for me, that it's establishing the core foundations of that individual. And that's why coaching is such an individual process. So it tends to be like, okay, let's put sort of a mark in the sand of where are you at with life? Like, what are you struggling with? What are you wanting to achieve? Like, do you know your fundamental core values of who you are as a person? Because we know that the children, specifically with ADHD, tend to have had like 200,000 more negative comments in their lives as a child. Like, that's massive. So, what I tend to find is when I'm speaking to women who have got ADHD or suspected ADHD, there tends to be a lot of issues around self-worth, not knowing who they are, and it's understanding where each person is in that journey of like, do you know who you are as a person? Do you know what your core values are? Do you know what you bring? Like, there's a lot of focus on what you can't achieve, and less focus on what you can achieve and like the strengths you've
Hunter Brain In A Farmer World
SPEAKER_01got. And it's interesting when you look back into the history of um the hunter and farmer mentality, which Tom Hartman wrote an amazing book about. And if somebody thinks that they might have ADHD, I would really wholeheartedly recommend reading it. And the understanding is that back in obviously back in the day, like pre-obviously us all being on uh Teams and Zoom and living the modern life, we had hunters and we had farmers. Two distinct roles which were both needed. Farmers went out, invested all their time planting crops. If those crops failed, we were doomed. Like no food, done. We had hunters and hunters went out going, I need to bring in meat. So they would go out and they might go out and see, I don't know, a boar and go, I'm gonna chase that boar. But if they then saw that there was a rabbit in closer vicinity, they would go, Oh, I'm not gonna chase the boar anymore. I'm gonna go after the rabbit because the rabbit is nearer, more likely for me to succeed. I need meat. What's happened? We haven't needed those hunters as much as we've evolved as people, and those hunters have dropped off. We've moved into farming lifestyle. The hunters are generally the people that had ADHD because they could switch their focus. Very you're probably thinking, why are we talking about hunters and pharmacist? There's complete irrelevance. I've not gone off on a random tandem. With ADHD myself, it does tend to happen. But that high-risk, like nomadic survival skills is very attuned to people with ADHD. We can switch really quickly, we're drawn by focus, we don't tend to thrive on routine stability, that long-term planning mindset, which is what farmers did. So essentially, we've evolved in a way which has made ADHD traits less prevalent and less accepted because we don't work in that way as a society anymore. And that is essentially what has happened as we've evolved. We were we were there prehistorically, we weren't diagnosed, we weren't talked about in the same way, but those skills we had were needed. And essentially, what it is is about understanding where somebody in coaching is with their journey. Where are they trying to go? Like just sharing, I had coaching myself. I was like, my house is a mess. I'm really struggling with keeping on top of my house and having a job and um managing everything else, but I'm hyper-fixating. This will either make you laugh or cringe, because I do both. I'm hyper-fixating on repairing a teepee. So, like a structure I've had in my garden that's covered in cloth that has lived in the shed for the last six years. I'm hyper-fixating on painting and repairing a teepee, but will probably never. I said, Oh, maybe my dog will use it. And my coach was like, Do you need this teepee, Kate? And I'm like, no, I don't know, I don't need the teepee. No one's gonna use the teepee. It's winter, I don't even need to repair it. And she's like, Okay, so so where does this sit in your priority? And I'm like, at the moment, I can't get over this hyper focus. I found it the other day, I messaged her and we laughed about it. But it's working out where are people in their journey? What do they need? What's the priority? What's a want? Like the want for me was to fix the tepee. It's not a need, it was taking over needs and just really like recalibrating that person to identify their strengths, know a little bit more about like the history of ADHD in terms of going, actually, it's not that you're wrong, it's just the fact that we've all moved essentially into like an Apple like way of the world, and you're on Android, and funnily enough, you're trying to open the App Store, but you've got Google Play and it's not working. So it's just getting back in that mindset of going, actually, nothing you're doing is fundamentally wrong. It's just you've had the wrong operating system and you're trying to open, yeah, App Store when you've got Google Play is it's just not the one.
SPEAKER_00So I I like that you are celebrating their positives because, like you said, there's uh tons of negatives that they had to um endure and celebrating those positives and it's almost like navigating them, like what their goals are to get them back on track on their focus. Um, do you like ask them or have them work on like asking themselves, like, is this priority? Like, is there like steps that you go through so that when you're not around, that they can say, okay, do I really need a focus on I don't know, painting a wall that nobody sees, and I have a shitload of other things I need to do. Um, do you do that with them?
Toolkits For Focus And Priorities
SPEAKER_01Yeah, essentially, my aim is for them to not need me. I want some, I don't, it sounds counterintuitive, right? I'm a coach, I've got a coaching business. I actually don't want people to stay with me for a long period of time. I don't want to be a crutch for somebody else. Like I run a selective practice, I work with a very small number of people at a time. I want to equip them with the tools for them to go, actually, do you know what? I can work on this, I've got this tool in my toolkit that I know how to use and I can leverage. And it might be a case of that wall needs painting or they want to do it. But I'm like, stack it with something else, like gamify your life or like bring it into something in a way that you go, that gets done, but it gets done in a in a way that leverages their toolkits. Like I had a coaching client um last week, okay. He said something to me, I relayed it back to him, and he went, ah, the answer is X. And I'm like, Yeah, I didn't tell you that. We just slowed the conversation down for him to understand his own thoughts. All I did was repeat back to him like a parrot, essentially what he'd told me, but he got to the answer himself because in coaching, the value comes from people knowing the answers themselves, they just don't know they know the answers themselves. So it's slowing it down, understanding what you've said, and then going, ah, okay, now I know what I'd do.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So you're essentially giving them skills to put in their, I always say, toolbox of life that they can carry on with them. That's awesome.
Morning Systems For ADHD Parents
SPEAKER_00Okay, so let's talk about parenting, okay? Because the more you're talking, Kate, the more I'm feeling like, damn, maybe I do have a DHD. I don't like structure. And here I am as a mom, and I'm sure there's a lot of moms out there that are single moms that have a hard time with structure because they're doing a gazillion things, and now they have to parent a child, which we're told that they need to have structure. Like, how do we do that? Like, how does that work? You're where you have to instill uh lessons with your kids, and yet you're a damn mess.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so what I would say is just be aware that ADHD tends to be genetic. So if you go, oh, I think I've probably got ADHD, and it is a running joke. If you've got ADHD, people say we then try and recruit everyone else to have ADHD, and it's like a pyramid scheme. So I'm not I'm not endorsing that as a coach, but it is a bit of a running joke amongst the ADHD community. So what I would say is again, it's understanding the child, like what motivates that child, what motivates you, and a key thing, and it's hard, is being your tomorrow friend. So I know, for example, I'm rubbish in the morning, but I'm much better at night. So, for example, I if I can do things for the night before for the following morning, it helps me. So I know I'm rubbish at showering, for example, in the morning because I'm not good at getting up. So I shower at night. I don't tend to do things at the same time. Like, and I've got a friend who's very similar. She doesn't wash her hair at the same time as she has a shower because actually the combination of the two is just too much in one go. So she will have a shower at night, but she might wash her hair in the morning or she might wash her hair in the middle of the day. And it's going actually in the morning when you're parenting with a child, it's about getting that child, generally speaking, to a set place at a set time with a set volume of things. So for example, my son regularly, he's at secondary school regularly, gets a pencil case. I'm like, okay, let's just put some equipment in your bag that's not a pencil case but is a backup. So if the pencil case doesn't go in, at least you've got some stationery to get you through the day. So it's what can you do in advance to make your life easier? Children depends on the age, I'd say. Like secondary school children, obviously older, high school age, you they can do quite a lot themselves. They might deny that they can do it themselves, but generally speaking, they can do it themselves. Like younger children who are at like nursery, preschool, that sort of age, you're gonna be doing a lot for them. So it's what can you do in advance to make your life easier? So if you can go, actually, I don't need to be ready, again, depends what that individual's doing after drop-off or taking them somewhere. It's like if you go, I don't need to be fully ready for that drop off. What can you do as the bare minimum to get you both out the door for a set of time? And time blindness and ADHD marriage, generally speaking. Like it's a running joke. If it's like football practice for my son, and I'm taking my son, we're not leaving till the time he needs. To be there because my time blindness is not thinking he needs to be there at 8 30 a.m. It's going, we need to leave at 8 30 a.m. and I want a coffee on the way because I've got up and got dressed. So he's going, okay, right. What time do you need to leave? Like, can you leverage tech to help you? Can you set an alarm going okay by 8 a.m.? I need to be up and I need to be dressed. So I don't need to leave then, but I need to be up. And what can I do that feels like a reward for me doing those things? Like, I tend to say, can you reward yourself for doing that? That thing. Make it about a positive, not a negative. Um, so yeah, age of child is massive, and that that's something as a parent myself and somebody with ADHD, like coaching wise, I'm like, okay, tell me about your life. Um, I want to know who's in the house, like, what does it look like? What does mornings look like? Like what needs to be done in the morning and what is a want to be done in the morning? So can you push things to the evening? Like, can you push having a shower to the evening? Can you push, could you get all your clothes laid out the night before? Could you get your child's clothes laid out the night before? Can you get a bag packed the night before? Like reduce the stress of the morning of what has to be out and done for you to have a calmer, more successful morning. Like, same with lots of things. Like, I know I get an email from the school and they're like, hey, we need to fill out a medical form for your child. I'm like, okay, it's getting done now. It's now or never. Like, if I don't, if I don't do it now, it's dropping off the radar. Like, goodbye, never happened. Um, and again, like, I have to set like Gmail's quite good because I can be like, let's leave this unread. Like, my unread emails, I think at the weekend was about 10. I'm not, those need actioning. Those need actioning at some point. Now I think I'm about down to about 11. So I leave things unread. I'm like, if it needs an action, it sits in my inbox unread. But school stuff, I'm like, the minute it comes in, it gets done. Done and not my problem. And I'm very much like that. Can I action things personally, the put them on someone else's plate and off mine, deflected as quick as possible. But systems like that, I tend to work with people on a one-to-one. It just depends on their challenges. But yeah, I definitely say that I know the morning is a big stress for a lot of parents. Getting kids out at set times, reduce it down to the absolute minimum you can have that both of you need to be doing to get out and ready in the morning.
SPEAKER_00I like that. I hope I also like the fact that you mentioned the positive. Like, you know, when you're doing something to kind of reward yourself, uh, or even the kid to reward themselves. I really like that whole concept and the minimum, and trying to do as much as you can so that it's very small in the morning. Those are great tips.
SPEAKER_01I think it's just looking at your routine, like doing a bit of an audit of like where stresses me out. Like that needs to be focused number one. Where is the biggest stress in my day? Like, I know for me, I there's certain things that I struggle with. And at the moment, we've got in the UK, we've got mini eggs, it's Easter. I'm like, yep, I'm there. Like mini eggs is a reward, and I don't recommend food as a reward, generally speaking, because it's not necessarily always a great one because it can create a hinge to food as a reward mechanism. So I'd say vary the rewards based on yourself and the individual. But at the moment in the UK, mini eggs, Easter, I'm there. Every war, reward, mini egg. Answered an email, ah, mini egg. Like, because I know for me it's a seasonal thing, it's interest-based. And you're working with a brain that is interest-based. So your rewards will have to properly change based on your interests.
SPEAKER_00Oh, that is very interesting. Okay.
Tech And AI That Actually Helps
SPEAKER_00Um, I was gonna ask you about technology. I know this is kind of like a sidebar from this conversation, but do you feel like technology actually helps or does it hinder those with ADHD?
SPEAKER_01So I think there's a benefit for it. Um I'm in the AI space as well, um, as part of what I do. Um, because I also have a full-time job and coach, and I'm doing a master's ADHD sort of as as level as it can be. And I think there's definitely benefits. It's about working with it in a way that works for you. For example, my daughter, there's probably some neurodiversity there. She was studying for her exams, final year exams. I was like, she's a little bit overwhelmed about uh studying. So this was last year. So I put into AI, I was like, this is what she's studying for. Work out a revision timetable that allows for short-term memory retention of what she's studying, but drops off the subjects as she's learning them. So an exam at the end of the six-week study period doesn't need to be studied at the start, it can probably be studied from week four. But I was like, I want her to have a balance with um balancing her own mental well-being, but also studying for her exams. And it built me out for her, and I shared with her and was like, look, if this doesn't work, let me know. But we planned her whole timetable revision using AI, and she was like, This is great because she was like, I know how much time I'm studying for each. I put in, like, if she's not confident in a subject, can we have a little bit more maybe on this? Um, so I think it is really good for leveraging things, I'd say, as a tool, it's a support for somebody, not a it's not something to use as a crutch. I wouldn't recommend it for things like using it from a therapeutic approach. Um, and I wouldn't recommend it for somebody that's maybe in crisis or struggling. I'm like, that's when you do genuinely need, and you tend to find it's guardrailed and it will start to go, oh, I think you need some support from a professional at this point. But for certainly for things like if you're going, I need some quick, easy meals from what I've got in my fridge, it will 100%. If you go, I've got, I don't know, that's tomatoes and potatoes, quickly find me. Can I have a meal? Like this is the contents of my fridge. It can adopt some of that executive function a hundred percent, and it's it can be massively leveraged for that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's what I use it for. Um, and it works out great. Um, that is so cool. I love that. I love that. And yes, we don't want to use AI for therapy because that's when it gets
Dating, Dopamine, And Rejection Spirals
SPEAKER_00a little crazy. So the other question I have is with dating and relationships, because you know, a lot of the single moms that are listening to this interview um are dating and um navigating through that and doing everything else at the same time at home. How does ADHD impact a woman in the dating arena? Like, you know, here she is trying to like I'm thinking in my mind when you were talking about ADHD, like if someone was dating, they're gonna be like, Oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna date John. Oh, wait, but what about Mike? And but wait, like, how does that look?
SPEAKER_01I will caveat this and just say I am happily married. However, I'm not dating. My husband might suddenly have a bit of a fail day if he's like, hang on, I listened to that.
SPEAKER_00No, we're not talking about Kate's experience, but more of like the other other people listening that uh have to navigate through that. Like, what does that look like?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so you're gonna be driven by a um interest-focused brain. So you might find like your readers, your listeners go, Oh, actually, the start of the relationship is great. Like dopamine filled, because you're talking about brains that are driven towards dopamine. So start of an early relationship, like your brain is wired, wired for novelty. So that like exciting early stage of dating is probably going to be great for an ADHD brain. Um, you might find that then that can you'll start to see signs of like maybe hyper focus where you're like focused solely on that individual that you're talking to, like um thinking about them constantly, consumed by the thought of them, what are they doing, what are they up to? Like, you might find that the ADHD brain shows up in terms of the like texting constantly. Like, we're in this era of very much like I call it Amazon mindset. Like, I wanted it and I wanted it yesterday. Someone says to you, like, five days delivery for a parcel. I'm like, five days? What are you doing? Like, are you hand-making this parcel? Like, it's not obviously it's just normal shipping periods like times, but it's that like instant expectation, and certainly with how like technology's evolved and um how we're living really, I'd say more so like we're in a very switched-on culture. Like, you text someone, certainly WhatsApp, you get those two ticks, you're like, Why have you not responded to me? Yeah, and then you can find that then there's a shift to like this is the most intense connection that I've ever had, like this hyperfixation on this person, you're like, This is amazing, but then that can drop off, like that hyperfixation drops off. You're like, oh, this isn't it's exciting, and then it you also end up in this cycle, potentially, if that other person's maybe not interested or you feel quite intense for them, then you go into this whole like, well, was I not good enough? What did I do wrong? And then that's when something called RSD, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, part of ADHD, kicks in. You can then go into this like cycle of analysing what did I do wrong? Do I need to do something different? Do I need to change? Like, did I say the wrong thing? Like this, maybe like over-analysing, you go on a date and then you're like, oversharing is quite a common part of ADHD. Going, oh my god, did I tell them too much about myself? Like I told them, I don't know, that I'd had an athlete's foot infection last week. Like they don't know that. Like, is this communication can be across any avenue of your life? Like, I did a post last week about when you go to a work event, like you can find it, you'll go, Oh my god, was I too much? Was I too intense? Did I talk too much? Like, did I tell them too much? And that with dating, because it's such an emotive thing, can be in that dating like part as well. And the thing with ADHD that's really common as well is this desire to share a story. So somebody will tell you something, and you don't go, oh, like that's like tell me more about that. You go, oh my god, so I had this thing too, and I'm now going to tell you my story. And it's some people can perceive that as being very like self-indulgent, like, oh, all you want to do is talk about yourself. And it's like, no, actually, what I'm doing is I'm sharing my experience because I can relate and I'm empathizing with you by sharing my story, and that sharing of story thing for some people can be like, oh, it's all about you. And it's like, no, this is just how I tell you that I I care, but here's my story too. And that can be quite strange for neurotypical people. Sometimes they're like, Well, why do you have to bring it always back to you? And it's like, no, it's not. This is just how how I ultimately tell you what I understand and I empathize and I can relate because I've been through something myself. So there's a combination of things that can happen. And certainly, we're talking about an interest-focused brain here. So if you go on a date with somebody and they're boring, like, sorry, people, people are boring, like on dates, or the connection's not there. It's not uncommon to zone out, like in the middle of that date, and the same in any situation, like you're with someone, they're talking about something, you're like, Yeah, this really doesn't interest me. That zoning out and switching off mid-conversation, then when you're having to pretend you were engaged, because generally you don't go on a date and go, I'm really sorry, this is really boring, I'm not listening. Like, I've not dated for like 20 plus years, but it's not something I don't think even in the modern day you're doing. You're not going, This is boring, because it looks rude. But then it just looks like you don't care, and it's not that. It's a fact, your brain is focused on what interests you. And doesn't interest you, you're not retaining that. Like, sorry.
SPEAKER_00Okay, okay, you blew my mind just now. Okay, what was that word? Rejection?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, rejection sensitivity, dysphoria, it's RSD, it's a common part of ADHD, and it links really closely with things like the overshare, which is again that impulse control, no filter. Like, you might put your foot in it sometimes. Uh, it's something I turn when you talk to people about in coaching, they're like, Oh, I said this thing, and I don't know why I said it, and my mouth moved before, my head moved, and then I my brain was like, Oh, why have we said that? And your mouth is like, ooh, gone. So it's that like combination, and then yeah, you start to over-analyse. Did I say the wrong thing? I said I was gonna be really reserved, I wasn't, like, it's all of those, and that comes across so many areas of communication. Same with parents in the in the schoolyard or playground, like suddenly go, oh my gosh, you walk away and go, why did I say that? Like, they all now think I'm strange. Like, it's that analysing, really analyzing, and that self-critic and being really critical of yourself is yeah, common part I see with um others with ADHD and also myself.
SPEAKER_00That is incredible because I think that that's what a lot of women think, like the oversharing, and they're saying, you know, that's a red flag, that's a red flag. And you know, it may not be that red flag, it's just that that's that's a someone that has ADHD, that's a possibility of that. That's so freaking interesting.
Work, Masking, And Finding Fit
SPEAKER_00Okay, so let's switch gears here because yes, you are, you know, what you do is help a lot of women and and people with in their career. So when you are talking about like dating someone new, how about when you get a new job? You're excited, you're like, you know, you're gung ho. And then like I always say, like, with for me, within the year, I'm just like, oh, I don't like it.
SPEAKER_01You know, it's amazing. Now it's rubbish.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. What's going on with that, and how do we fix it?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so again, it's about interest, novelty. You're talking new job, new novelty, new people, new systems, new processes. Again, it depends on what sector you're in. But it comes down to working out who you are and what makes you tick. So a lot of that comes on self-discovery, understanding who you are and finding the right company. Now that is key. I, whether someone declares that they think they've got ADHD or they identify as having ADHD or they're diagnosed is completely up to the individual. Um, I have had a mixed experience on it myself. I joined a company, I got diagnosed when I was there, I declared it to a manager. Um, I knew I was gonna try medication, I decided to declare it, and ultimately I was met with, oh, maybe that explains why you are the way you are. And I was like, oh, okay, didn't expect that. Panicked, RSD set in, thought I was gonna lose my job. It was horrendous. I then was like, oh, okay, maybe I don't tell people. This is just something that I don't share publicly. And then I had an impulse moment and was like, I'm gonna tell the world, I'm gonna celebrate this. Did lots of self-discovery, was like, do you know what? This is who I am, it makes me unique. I used to work in an environment where I was like, work is really boring, okay? I will 100% put my hands up and say I've worked in boring environments. To the point that I used to work out that if I went to the toilet more than twice in an hour, and this is when I was office based, I used to think people think I would think I'd have a bladder problem. So I was like, right, I can be in the toilet for five minutes twice in one hour. So I'd sit there, I'd look at my watch, I'd be like, right, okay, I haven't been to the toilet in half an hour, which means I can probably go and I can stand here five minutes, and that's acceptable. Like, that's not healthy to be in an environment where you're like, I'm starting to make try to make people not realise or think I've got some sort of bladder issue at this point. I'm just bored. So I would say it's a combination of things. Find the right environment. I for me, I always am now. I just say, just to let you know, I've got ADHD. It means when I'm on, I'm amazing, but I will sometimes struggle with focus. I I and for me, I've been transparent about that. I also know incredibly well who I am as an individual, and I think that's aided me with my coaching business in getting other people to be that confident and find that in themselves and what makes them tick, where are their real key skills? Because if you can find a job where you are tethered to your core values of who you are as a person, but also what interests you that's amazing. So I know for myself, I'm about impact and strategy, which for a coach is amazing because I'm like, actually, I want to make sure everyone has strategies to go forward and they live their life with impact. So it just naturally aligns. The other thing that I think is key is understanding who is hiring you. So a lot of people will mask to fit in, they'll go, I'm going for an interview, I need to be what the what they're looking for as a candidate. So they will adapt what they do to fit in. That's really difficult because you're masking. Now, masking is when you will blend, try and blend in like a chameleon into your environment and not get seen. The problem with that is it's really tiring and can lead to burnout more quickly because you're already hiding who you are. If you show up as your authentic self and you're going for roles or looking at job opportunities that align with who you are and what you want, you will have a much more fulfilling uh interview experience, but also a longevity within a company. So, for example, I am huge, probably unsurprisingly, on diversity and inclusion in the business. So I'm like, okay, what's your neuro and diversity higher process like? How do you adapt for people that are not neurotypical? Do you have interview processes in place? Like, it's not unlike unreasonable to say, I want to know what the interview questions are before I interview. Like a lot of people are really scared about asking that. It's going, I want to be able to prepare for the questions you're going to ask me. Like, unless you're asking somebody to interview, and their job is to interview, you don't need to test them at interviewing. Like, we're not in we're not going for a job where I'm just going to interview all day and that's my job. Like, my job is can I perform the job I'm doing? I don't I don't need to be amazing interview. So what I would say, that sounds counterintuitive, but generally speaking, like some people really struggle with eye contact, some people really struggle with not fidgeting with something. Like I've sat and fidgeted with something this whole call. I've probably not been unnecessarily aware, but it's an adaptation I've got that I generally know when I when I'm on an interview. I have to fiddle with something. So it's a combination of things like work out if you want to declare uh during the interview process that you are not neurotypical. Work out what the company does and what they can offer you and switch your narrative. Like when you're interviewing with a company, are you interviewing them or are they interviewing you? Because that's a two-way street. Like I interviewed for a role, spent months preparing for it. On paper, looked amazing. The question they asked me at interview, how do you deal with your ADHD weaknesses? I'm like, okay, don't think you can ask that interview. And I was like, how do you deal with your weaknesses? I was like, my weaknesses are no different to yours, except mine are tied to the fact that I'm neurodiverse. But you actually can't ask that interview because it's uh not an uh inclusive question and actually would flag some HR complaints. I removed myself from that process after. I sent an email saying, this is not the role for me. Because I was like, actually, I'm going into an environment that potentially has got bias against people that are neurodiverse. Absolutely not. I am out. Do not even put me in your selection pool. I'm an amazing candidate, but I'm not coming to work for your company. And it's shifting that narrative. Like somebody with ADHD has an amazing set of skills that they can bring with different thinking, like the ability to work generally, hyper-fixating on something that really interests them. But an environment that's not inclusive, yeah, no, I'm done. And I tend to try and encourage others. I'm like, be passionate, be authentic. And that takes time. Like it takes time, and it depends where someone's coming from, especially as a parent, where you go, I can't even get my child to school on time. They've got the wrong coloured socks on, we've missed a certain celebratory day of dressed up as a pickle, my child's gone in normal uniform. You can feel like a failure. And it's not, again, wrong operating system, wrong software package. Like it's just getting things back aligned. And that takes time, um, but it also takes a mindset shift. So job hunting, I'd say, is uh and performing in the workplace is about making sure the company is the right fit for you. And start with that mindset, right fit for you, not that you're the right fit for them.
SPEAKER_00Oh, Kate, that is good. Oh, so good. About talking about No, I that is so good. And that is such great advice, especially in the interviews. Um, and uh being your authentic self, because obviously, if you are aligned with your core values, you're gonna enjoy the job for as long as you you want to. All good stuff. Okay, so whoo,
Rapid-Fire Myths And Best Habits
SPEAKER_00that was good. I could keep on talking about this. All right, so let's talk about rapid fire rounds. Okay, we're gonna do uh a couple of um, this will be fun, okay? So I want you to, the first thing that comes out of your mind that comes up to your mind, like I want you to just say it. What it is that I'm about to say, I'm gonna tell you something.
SPEAKER_01And this was really dangerous.
SPEAKER_00What's the first thing that comes to mind? Okay, so we're doing rapid fire round here with Kate. All right. What's the biggest myth about ADHD women?
SPEAKER_01Oh, that it's basically just a made-up thing at the moment that everyone's jumping on the bandwagon, no one's got ADHD, it's made up, um, and we are just all normal, typical, neurotypical, functioning people that have all jumped on a bandwagon.
SPEAKER_00Wow, okay. What's one tool every ADHD mom needs?
SPEAKER_01I'm not gonna say what the first thing came to my head because it's not true. Um, or do you know what I would say a community of people? Accountability partners or a community of people.
SPEAKER_00Wow, okay. The thing ADHD women are secretly amazing at.
SPEAKER_02Um I would say just being infectious and bringing a different kind of energy to the room.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Something ADHD women should stop apologizing for.
SPEAKER_01Being themselves.
SPEAKER_00Oh, that's good. Okay. Um, what's one habit that actually works for ADHD brains?
SPEAKER_01Oh, something called habit stacking, which I absolutely love. And part of what I do in my coaching is we do an or a life audit of where can I find pockets of your time that I can I can help you leverage. So habit stacking is key. I know, for example, my kettle at home takes three minutes to boil. I make it a challenge of what can I do in the three minutes the kettle is boiling. My husband does not. He sits stands and stares into the distance for those three minutes. Three minute time, habit stacking, amazing. Great way to leverage time that you don't know you've got.
SPEAKER_00That's good. Okay. Um what's the most missed understood ADHD trait?
SPEAKER_01Uh oh, most missed. So it is that quiet, inattentive female that you that achieves. I think the big myth is if you're an achiever, you're neurotypical, and that's not the case. Bear in mind, interest-led spraying. So have a look at things like school grade. Did somebody achieve really well in subjects that interested them and poorly in others?
SPEAKER_00That's a good one. Okay, last one. This is a tough one. Coffee or chaos?
SPEAKER_01Oh, well, I drink decaf coffee. So caffeine for people with ADHD tends to be a calming drink rather than one that that works. So it works in the reverse way for ADHD brains. So a lot of people drink coffee and caffeine to calm down rather than the other way. Um, I would like to say combination of the both, because I do I use coffee as a reward, as in if I've got up and got dressed, my husband will nip to Costa and we'll have Costa. So the chaos for me is beyond the screen. The coffee is the reward for getting up and getting to this desk.
SPEAKER_00Okay, that's it. I think I have ADHD. I think I have it. I have it. Oh my God. Okay, Kate, this was great. I think we went through the gamut of ADHD. We talked about the career, we defined it, what it looks like, being a parent, and the dating and the relationships, which blew my freaking mind. All good stuff.
Kate’s Coaching And The 8% Idea
SPEAKER_00But before you go, Kate, um, where can we find you on the socials? And do you have a website? Tell us all that good stuff.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so I'm UK based, as you can probably tell from my accent. Uh, I do worldwide coaching. I am at www.8%coaching.com. Um if you want to find me on LinkedIn, I've got a page 8% coaching on LinkedIn as well. Um, I infrequently post on Instagram under 8% coaching, though you can tell there's a theme here. Um, and the same with Facebook. Just uh all of my socials are 8%coaching. Uh the ones more regularly updated are LinkedIn and my website.
SPEAKER_00Um, before you go, I want to I want you to talk a little bit about the 8% coaching, the the two words 8%. What's that about?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so um 8% of people actually achieve their goals. The name I went, I was speaking to a branding consultant and I was like, Oh, I want to have a name like about my business. And then I went and met a fellow coach at a really well-known motivational motivational speaker in the UK. I'd met him online. Don't advocate for meeting random people off the internet. I will just say that now. Um, I went, there was an organized networking meet up in the north of England. I drove five hours to get there. I stayed overnight in a hotel and I spent the next day um with a group of people that I'd never met off the internet. He sat around to me and he said, A lot of people agreed to be here today. He said, You are one of the 8% of people who said they'll do something and committed to doing it, and you're here. And he said, That says a lot about who you are and what you're like. And I suddenly laid in bed after spending hours trying to find a branding name. And I was like, 8%. I literally am one of the 8%. 92% of people that set goals do not achieve them. And my aim is to make everyone that I work with part of that 8%.
SPEAKER_00That's so good, Kate. That is so good. Oh, well, thank you so much. We'll put everything on all the links on the episode
Subscribe And Final Words Of Grace
SPEAKER_00notes. But before you go, make sure everyone, the listeners, subscribe to Mom is My Emergency Contact Podcast. Wherever you listen to podcasts, we're on Apple, Spotify, and all major platforms. If you'd rather watch the conversation, head over to our YouTube channel. Just search Mom is My Emergency Contact and hit subscribe. Link is in the notes for you to subscribe to. Okay. And like I said, all the links to everything I said, including Kate's information, is going to be on the episode notes. All right. Before we wrap up, I want to say something to the women listening. If your brain feels messy, like mine does all the time, if you're overwhelmed, if you feel like you're always behind, you're not broken. You're probably just trying to run a life built for neurotypical people with a brain that works differently. And honestly, a lot of ADH women are creative, resilient, problem solvers, and insanely resourceful because we've had to be. So if you're a single mom out there juggling kids, bills, healing, rebuilding, and trying to figure out your next chapter, give yourself a little grace. You're doing more than you think. Okay, so until next time, everyone. Bye.